TreeHouseView

In my marital journey, I’ve learned a thing or two about myself, and one of those things that sticks out is that I might be the asshole in the relationship, and this is why I say that.

Up until fairly recently, I would often find myself playing Devil’s Advocate to my husband when he would bring up a situation he was dealing with, and I did this because he seemed to be very set in his ways and from my point of view, he seemed very short-sighted and unable to consider anyone else’s POV or see the situation through any other lens than his own possibly near-sighted one. That was actually probably pretty short-sighted on my part, as I was doing to him what a lot of women complain about men doing to them–trying to solve the problem instead of just listening.

I am solutions-oriented, a problem solver–I like to have an outcome from conversations where people are unhappy, a solid “here’s what we’re gonna do going forward” kind of mentality, and this might be overflow from Mom Mode, Work Mode or both. Regardless, it wasn’t playing well in Spouse Mode.

Before starting Big Girl Therapy, I did lots of research, reading. and education on my own. as I’m also always interested in trying to better myself. I quickly realized that I was overplaying my hand, overstepping my bounds. and I should maybe settle down a bit with my husband and just…let him vent.

I suppose I have some latent ideas about the roles of men and women that can probably be labeled along the lines of internalized misogyny and I hate that. I have been working on it and will continue to do so. Why shouldn’t men be able to just unload their feelings and frustrations just like women do? They absolutely should! Just because I’ve never had a relationship with a man (until now) who was emotionalIy in touch with himself enough to do so doesn’t mean it isn’t valid and doesn’t exist. This is where I’m the asshole.

I fight the urge to debate and try to just give my husband the ear he needs, but those devil horns are always lurking and the forked tongue that goes along with it…I try my damndest to keep it tucked away. Am I always successful? Of course not. Do I bring it out should the occasion suit my purpose and I just can’t resist because of so mamy reasons? Abso-fucking-lutely.

Does this make me the asshole? Maybe. Probably. Yes. Will I continue to try to not be? Yes. Probably. Sometimes. Mostly.